Showing Off

Windhaven Pullover | Windsor Pant | Dash Sports Bra

I’m fortunate to say that throughout my life I’ve had fairly positive body image. I credit it to growing up with sports, to having role models tell me muscles are good and that a girl should look strong and healthy. It’s this positive reinforcement that never led me to consider dieting or artificial manipulation to make me feel good about how I looked, exercise was always the key or the answer. I can honestly say having surgery sent that all off kilter.  It’s no secret that leading up to surgery, I had gained weight. However being sedentary waiting for the operation and then after while healing didn’t help matters in how I felt and looked at my body. Then after all the staples were pulled I had a massive train track running down my body, the muscles were different, my stomach pooched out in a way I couldn’t recognize and all my abdominal strength I had worked so hard for, seemed all but gone. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say I hated how I looked. And I cried and whined to my family and friends, who would always remind me that this outcome was much better than the alternative and that I should be GRATEFUL.

And don’t get me wrong, I thank my lucky stars every day, but I still didn’t recognize the body in the mirror. I now realize that it had more to do with how I was processing things emotionally about what had happened but manifested instead into a self-loathing about my physicality.

For some people, scars heal nicely and fade quickly. I’ve been told my body is a super healer, it attacked my wound creating a massive ribbon of keloid scar tissue. I’ve researched and experimented with every scar treatment known to man other than physical surgery and have become a self-proclaimed expert. If you are looking for one easy and inexpensive treatment, I would recommend the Derma E, Scar Gel.

But at the end of the day the old adage, “time heals all wounds”….and eventually, exercise was the answer that led me back to feeling better about myself. Turning back to my foundation I started slow, walking, trying to do a basic plank or lift my feet off the floor, eventually turned to running and completing a 1/2 hour abs class. Yeah maybe I look a bit different but this is Version 2.0 of me and I’ve realized it’s a journey and not a destination of how I feel about my body image. I told my friend that “eventually” when I got back in really “great” shape I would do a photo shoot, not knowing what this great shape would look like. But last week thought what the hell am I waiting for? So here it is, scar and all, Version 2.0.

But I’m not going to say that I wasn’t self-conscious when taking the pictures and moaned about how I need to lose 5 lbs. Why are we women so hard on ourselves? But looking at the photos afterwards as I write this post, I have to say I’m pretty damn proud, this wonderful body has climbed beautiful mountain ranges, skied some awesome vertical, never let up in paddling to that one “last” wave and kicked ass in healing whenever I hurt myself. Looking at it this way, I’m happier with how I feel about my body now than I was 20 lbs lighter, rocking my crop tops. Perspective is a wonderful thing.

All Photos By Jennifer Masterman Photography